The Curse of Having "Back" & Play-by-Play Haircutting

Since I am certain that most readers of my blog are Asian (by virtue of association and the tendency for minorities to self-segregate, but that's a topic for another post), most of you have no idea what it's like to have "back". What I mean is what is described in Sir Mix-a-Lot's emotional etude "Baby Got Back". Due to a freak gene, the males in my branch of the family have really, really, large butts.

"What's wrong with that?" you say. "You can sit for long periods of time comfortably." "It attracts many species of primate." What's wrong is this: a big butt makes it very difficult to purchase pants. Sometimes the waist and butt area will be just fine, but then the legs look all wrong (even when it says "boot cut"). Other times, the legs will be just great but the crotch is too stiff.

About 10 years ago, Aeropostale had these perfect khaki pants. They fit perfectly. They accentuated (not hugged) my large derriere and then gracefully fell straight to my feet, giving the illusion of having nicely toned legs and large calves. This was before the rage of boot cut/relaxed fit/straight leg blah blah. It was flat front and had basic lines. No extra pockets, random loops or pouches. It just fit well. I've been looking for pants like that ever since, and now it's getting more urgent since these pants are literally disintegrating. I've patched them up as well as I can - but I don't know how much longer they can last. Such is the curse of the big butt.

On an aside, I hate shopping. I don't hate shopping because I hate getting new things (because I love getting new things), and I don't hate shopping because I hate spending money (although I certainly do). I hate shopping because it takes forever to find what works (think pants example above). I don't enjoy trying on 20 different pants just to find out none of them fit right, or the one that I like they don't have in my size. I also tend to do this by myself because it does take so long, and I'm certain nobody wants to go with me. That makes it extra boring (so much so, that I'm getting to point of finding a shopping buddy).

Anyway, today I went to get my hair cut and for the first time, the lady cutting my hair gave me a play-by-play. She looked a little like the mother on "Family Ties" and seemed like a sweet (but hip) grandmother. She literally told me what she was doing as she did it. "Ok, I'm just going to use a #4 to blend the top and the sides... ok, let's take a look, oh - that hair needs to go, let's get the scissors, I'm just going to take a bit off..."

It was actually quite entertaining. I think most things should be play-by-play. Imagine "play-by-play channel surfing" or "play-by-play lawn mowing". Do we have a new reality series here? I think so.