Insecurity embodied

What is embarrassment but the embodiment of insecurity? It's an emotion that arises because you are conscious and not OK with a judgment you assume/know others are making about you. As I love to dream of utopia and ideal worlds, there should never be a situation where you feel embarrassed. But it happens. Even if you are unabashed, there inevitably arise situations where you wish you had done things differently (there would be no reason to wish such if you were not insecure about the method and/or result).

I'm definitely one of those people that think of all the clever things to say after the fact. I hate this. A) It means that usually I fuck things up and B) I sound like I'm obsessing about the past. I hate it when people dwell on things that are past, but I can't say that I am innocent. In fact, I'm probably the most guilty. It's a vicious cycle, because the I hate myself for dwelling on the past.

Long story short, tonight I was out at an Irish pub. Things were relaxed and OK until this rather large (and by large, I mean his waistline) man and his father (who claimed he was 72) walked in. They appeared to be somewhat tipsy already. And the large man proceeded to harrass me.

Now, as far as harrassing goes, it was fairly tame, except for one point, when he pointed his finger at me and touched my nose. One more second of that and I probably would have been arrested. He acknowledged that I was being very patient. I'm not sure what would have happened had it lasted much longer, because I was losing my patience.

The thing was, even as it was happening, I didn't really know how to handle it, but I knew something had to be done. One embarrassing thing is that the person I was with stepped in and said something that was pretty effective in getting him to leave. I think mostly, I felt a bit like a pussy. And no matter how laid back I try to be, I am not OK with that. Strange, I am able to let things go for the most part - but tonight really made me angry. Thinking back, of course, there are tons of things I could have done differently or said.

I hope for a next time, and at the same time, I don't.