There's no place like home

I only started appreciating the notion of home since leaving home some seven years ago for college. Even then, I didn't truly appreciate it. Only now am I beginning to truly appreciate the concept and feeling of home as I've lived on my own for three years, going on...?

Although I have my own place, I don't feel "at home" when I am there. It's for the most part comfortable, but it's fraught with worries - maintenance, cleaning, taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cooking, buying groceries, etc. Even though I did these things when I lived at home, it was different somehow.

I'm not sure when I will have a place that encompasses the entire feeling of "home" again (which I suspect has to do with feelings of stability, consistency, family, and safety). I definitely don't feel that way yet. My living situation, career, etc, all feel very temporary.

One final note - I think the feeling of "home" also evokes fond memories of happiness and holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't think there is any better feeling than falling asleep, exhausted, after a joyous day of festivities, feeling safe, stable, and content, no matter how fleeting that may be.

Taking the plunge

So, I took the plunge. Twice in one week.

Today I finally bought a hot dog (actually a hot sausage) from a street vendor. First time since coming to NYC. I figured I ought to do it at least once. Tips for visitors: don't bother with the hot sausage. It's not worth the extra $0.50.

Second, I went basically all out on my halloween costume. Those of you that know me know that when I do anything, I have to do it all out, or not do it at all. It's sometimes a blessing, but mostly a curse. It means I can't have mediocre quality things, or get a cheapie knock-off rolex, if I have a rolex, it has to be the real deal.

That being said, on most other things, I am patently above average. I am not exceptional, I am not the opposite. I am squarely above average (academically, athletically, test scores-wise, etc). Despite that, I feel like I've been able to accomplish some pretty cool things. At least it's good to know that sheer willpower or desire can make up for a lack of other things.

Thank goodness for cable

Honestly, I don't know what bachelors would do without cable TV and it's nearly limitless entertainment options. Sure, you can go out to bars, clubs, take classes, etc. But there's only so much of that you can take, or afford.

What did bachelors do before the advent of TV? I can't imagine. I suppose more time was spent doing backbreaking work or something, or perhaps, even, reading... but no TV? Sheesh. Talk about boring.

Only in NYC

Today while walking from work to dance class, I saw something you don't see on a typical day. As I was walking, I noticed sirens behind me. 'Ok, sirens. Better watch out, let the ambulance, or fire truck, or police cruiser go by before crossing the street.' I think to myself. I keep walking, and then I hear someone say, "Look, there's the fire!"

I walk a little bit more and as I approach the corner of 37th Street and 6th Avenue, I noticed some black smoke billowing... from a taxi. There was a taxi sitting a little bit past the intersection engulfed in ten-foot high flames. It was rush hour, so traffic was pretty bad. I suppose that was why the fire trucks were having trouble making it to the scene to put out the fire.

By now, the police had cleared the immediate area and blocked off the intersection, and I stood there speechless and dumbfounded for a few moments, thinking that I had never seen such a thing before and that only in NYC would I see something like this just walking down the street. Then, I thought about how cars sometimes explode. I quickly moved away.

On another note, lately, I've been fending off advances by gay men. I'm not sure what it is, but I've been hit on by several gay men recently. I don't think I give off a vibe that I am homosexual. In any case, I'm not threatened by this, in fact, I'm somewhat flattered.

Although, I would prefer to be breaking female hearts rather than male ones.

Nothing, nothing at all

Today, I did...

basically nothing. For no good reason. It's not like I just took a big test, and needed a break, or was on spring break or something. I just didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't feel like working out, reading, or anything.

Before, I used to have all these things I wanted to accomplish, and I would end up doing nothing and feel guilty. Examples of things I would like to accomplish: organize my photos/digitize them, organize my computer files, organize my finances, clean my apartment, start collecting the music I've always wanted to collect (and organize them), etc.

Today, I didn't even feel like pretending that I wanted to accomplish anything. And I was OK with that.

What's the point of accomplishing those things anyway? I think it's basically for peace of mind, I don't know if there's much functional purpose.

I don't know what I want anymore.

Nothing to fear but fear itself

I have come to the conclusion that the root cause of all social ills is the juxtaposition of the fear of rejection and people being all too willing to reject.

People would probably be happier and better adjusted if this weren't the case. Note that I'm not saying that we need say everything is OK, or not tell someone when they're not doing something right, but we can be more accepting on both sides.

If we accept that we make mistakes, and other people are more willing to tell the truth, then things would be better. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me. The biggest problem is that most people are willing to reject, but not willing to give honest feedback/constructive criticism. What reason would you have to be insecure if everyone was perfectly honest (but not in a mean way)?

A world without insecurities sounds nice to me.

Solitude, part II

So to continue the theme of loneliness/isolation, I got to thinking. How much worse could it be?

Of course, it can always be worse. I could be homeless, I could be sick with a terminal illness. I could be left without family.

I think what would be worst, however, is growing old, and witnessing your friends and family die around you, one by one, until you are left by yourself. It can get even worse if you had no children and no nieces or nephews.

I know Andy would say that you just have to go out and make the effort to reach out, and then you could make new friends. But would that be right, at, say age 80 or 90? I think that would in a way almost be selfish to make friends, because your time is almost certainly running out. Then you would be causing others grief.

In any case, I've always found that trying to make friends seems contrived. True friends are never made that way. That's not to say that I don't understand the value of just getting out and doing things that you enjoy. It's just harder to enjoy at first when you're still new and don't know anyone.

So where was "Solitude, part I"? I don't care.

Perfect storm

So lately, I've been feeling a bit down. It's probably apparent in my postings.

I've decided that it's a combination of the following:

- Dearth of close friends within daily/easy access
- NYC (a very lonely city at times, especially if you didn't grow up here and don't have an established safety net)
- A somewhat sucky job (admittedly, I took this job with the understanding that it wouldn't be glamourous or exciting - but mainly to pay the bills and get away from my last job which was exciting, and meaningful, but the work environment was terrible)
- A lot of free time (partly as a result of this sucky job, strange, because I thought that was what I wanted - more free time, but I don't have anything to fill it up with, yet)
- Uncertainty about the future, and/or what I want the future to look like

All of this turns out to be the perfect storm, resulting in an extreme feeling of isolation and being lost.

No wonder there are so many crazy people in NYC, it kind of does that to you if you're not careful, especially if you don't have some sort of community (church/temple, school, etc).

This leads me to believe in the benefits of a small town, small community. I think that fits me to a T.

Quick to judge

It seems like almost everyone goes through bouts of feeling alone, feeling down, feeling like they're not achieving what they should be, etc. etc.

It also seems like people then are quick to label those who are lonely, down, going through quarter life crises as unstable or something worse.

Until, of course, it happens to you.

Moral of the story, we shouldn't judge people. Even if we do it subconsciously, we should consciously try not to.

I guess not, no

So it seems there are no dancers out there. At least none off the top of your heads. Well, please do keep me in mind if you come across any followers (the girl's part, usually, in dancing).

Also please do keep me in mind for anyone looking for a tennis partner in NYC or a blind date. I promise to try to act like a gentleman.

On another note, when I get down or depressed, I start journaling (the more masculine way to refer to a diary). I write pages and pages and pages, usually hoping to get my feelings and thoughts out of my brain and onto paper instead. It usually works, or at least it seems to speed up recovery.

If I ever get famous, though, and someone finds my journals (perhaps posthumously, so I can't give a personal accounting), people will think that I only thought sad thoughts, and conclude that I must have been suicidal for most of my life.

The truth is, I'm not suicidal (at least I don't think I am), but I am often melancholy. I think it's been part of my temperament ever since middle school. Strange thing is, my parents tell me that as a baby and toddler, I was the happiest, most outgoing baby they have ever seen. I wonder what happened?

I'm realizing after reading what I wrote that the latter part of this post does not provide much faith in myself as a fun blind date. I assure you, I can be quite entertaining after a few drinks.

Any dancers out there?

So I'm trying to get back into dancing, specifically, lindy hop (the original and classic swing dance, the big momma of jitterbug). I used to dance quite a bit in college, but I never had the time or drive to become really, really good.

The lack of a consistent and patient partner was also part of the problem. Tonight, I went to a workshop, expecting the usual, tons of followers and no leaders. Tonight, we had three leaders and one follower. Good thing the two instructors could both follow. But my point is, it's much better to practice and work out kinks with a consistent partner, so you can both go social dancing and be more confident with dancing with others.

Steve once posted asking for a date. It seems to have worked out pretty well.

Let's see if this works for finding a dance partner.

Criteria:

Must really want to learn how to lindy hop

Must have some sort of rhythm

Previous dance experience a plus (but not necessarily swing experience)

Must have time and resources to devote

Must be patient with the lead

Must be able to put up with me

Ok! Let's have it then. If you know anyone that fits the bill (and whom you know is interested or have asked to make sure), please let me know. I'm looking to start immediately.

No crazies, please (I'm crazy enough). Unless they are crazy about dancing. You can email me info at vlotty_at_comcast_dot_net.

Oh, and if you know anyone looking for a date too, send them my way. I promise I'm gentleman, usually. Same criteria that Steve set in his June 6 post seems good to me!

Thanks in advance.

Dancing feet

So today, I decided to get off my butt and do something about the things I want to do. I went to a lindy hop workshop this morning and later met up with a friend to go dancing in Central Park. During the summers, they have this thing called "Central Park Swings" where live bands visit each weekend and there's an outdoor swing dance. This was also a big weekend for swing dancers, as it was the Count Basie Centennial Ball, with events all weekend.

Today was just the kick in the butt I needed to jumpstart things. I'm planning on taking lessons to brush up on my dancing skills and I intend on getting good enough to go social dancing again.

I've also decided I will find a way to play tennis again.

It's strange because these are things I love to do, but I haven't gone out to do them. There were always excuses - like I'm too tired, it's too expensive, etc. I don't know what the barriers are sometimes to doing things like this, but I'm gonna break them down.

Out of his league

Although I don't think I'm particularly qualified to comment on politics (as evidenced by an earlier post), I will have to say this about tonight's presidential debate:

President Bush was thoroughly outclassed tonight.

Bush sounded uninformed on any issues that he hasn't already demonstrated a simple visceral reaction to (e.g. "Ugh, Saddam bad, therefore, invasion good!"). He also repeated himself again tonight and often sounded like he was whining. A very defensive performance. It reminds me of when you just can't justify your position anymore (and you're perhaps slightly inebriated), so you start saying things like, "Well, you're stupid!" and "At least my car ain't all beat up!"

I think one of the most ridiculous moments that Bush had tonight was toward the end when he responded to Kerry's point about the partial birth abortion ban. Kerry had just explained, rather clearly, why he voted against the ban. Kerry said the bill was too uncompromising to the point that it left no provisions for the safety of the mother or victims of incest and rape. Although I haven't read the bill, Bush's response just hit home the fact that he has very limited powers of reasoning.

"A vote is a vote. Simple as that. He voted against a partial birth abortion ban." (Or something like that) is what Bush said.

I think any marginally intelligent person will see right away that Bush was oversimplifying waaay too much on that one.

Another interesting moment was when Bush, in explaining how he would make a bench appointment decision, made the statement that the slavery was never a part of the Constitution. I guess his reasoning was, most people today, even the most right wing of his supporters will probably agree that you can't justify slavery under the Constitution. Unfortunately, Bush is dead wrong.

Slavery was sanctioned in the Constitution (albeit the word "slave" or "slavery" did not appear in the document) and the effects of slavery and discrimination were not dealt with definitively in the law until the mid 1960s with the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act. It's just another example of how our president has such a lack of understanding of history and the Constitution (and I imagine other things, given his ineloquence) that it's scary.

It's also very difficult to listen to Bush when everything he says sounds like spin on fact and news you hear every day to the contrary.

While I don't think Kerry is the ideal candidate, I do think the choice between Kerry and Bush is clear. The worst thing about this presidential race is having to choose the lesser of two evils. The best thing is the opportunity to deny the most divisive and dangerously singleminded president in recent memory a second term.

Don't forget to vote.

While we're talking about voting, don't forget to vote on my most recent poll. It's a very important issue to me at this point in my life.

A bit personal, don't you think?

So I've tried to refrain from posting anything too personal. I suppose it's just part of the fact that most people are messed up (or as I like to say, "quirky" or "eccentric", but basically you're unstable) in some way or other. Thus, my not posting anything personal is just one more way that I keep people from knowing how screwed up I really am.

But, lately, I really don't care anymore. Because everyone is crazy. If you think you're not, then you're even more crazy than I am.

It seems the surest way to bring out most of the things that show how messed up someone is or can be is through relationships (or the pursuit thereof). It is during these times that I can totally unwind, albeit termporarily. This is when thoughts of resurrecting the stalking skills honed in the teen and college years come back, and you say and do stupid things.

So some of you are reading this and thinking, "Geez. This guy is scary unstable. He's some sort of crazy." But I disagree. I think everyone is basically crazy. It's what you do with that crazy that matters. Sure, I've sent my fair share of black roses and left my fair share of decapitated rodents on doorsteps, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a good person. Who's crazier? The person who is co-dependent or dependent, or the person who sends the occasional dismembered rat?

I would argue it's the former. But in any case, I don't think any of this is a sign of a lack of self-esteem (which is what some of you may be thinking at this point). Just because you're always asking, "Why won't anyone love me?" doesn't mean you don't love yourself. Although, I do think loving yourself exclusively isn't that healthy for too long. A lack of self-esteem I think would result in dependency, or something like that.

I'm also kind of bummed because I'm realizing more and more as I get older that I don't have a stable, routine group of friends to hang out with anymore. This makes me sad because if I feel like going to see a movie, I either have to ask an acquaintance, wait for a good friend to come to town, or go by myself. Not that I can't watch movies by myself, but it's not very fun and I don't like people looking at me with pity. Making new friends is hard to do, and it takes years before you have the friend that you can just hang out with. Which brings me to... I think all I need is to have a series of intense and meaningless flings. I think that would solve my problems forthwith.

I am capable of much worse

What would happen to me if I went to prison? (and for hypotheticals' sake - let's say something grisly, like the unabashed hacking apart of innocent passersby with a rusted axe during rush hour on a subway platform, and let's also say that some of the victims were unfortunately flung over the side of the platform as an express train was passing through)

While I believe myself to be a reasonable person, and usually very peaceloving, I think that if I were to be sent to prison, and depending on the culture, I could be among the most cold and ruthless there. I don't think I would be getting out of prison early on good behavior at all if it took toughness to survive.

Yes, some of you will think that I'm not all that tough. But what I'm talking about is not necessarily physical toughness, it's mental toughness. I think that I would be able to completely separate my conscience from action if required. I would not hesitate to pull out your eyeballs, bite off your fingers, or stab you with a pen.

I would not hesitate to try and snap your neck from behind, or smash your skull in with the foot of a table.

I would not hesitate to rip your external genitalia off and then smash it between my hands.

I would not hesitate to call you bad names.

I would not hesitate to neglect to return your call.

What I really fear

Happened to catch some of "Fear Factor" tonight while at the gym. As usual, there was the part where the contestants eat something really disgusting. This time, it was road kill at the "Road Kill Cafe". They were eating what looked to be entrails, buzzing with flies, and crawling with maggots. I believe there were chunks of testicle or something like that in the mix.

Three really hot girls (the "All Girl Fear Factor"), each of whom ate a healthy portion of absolutely rancid and gruesome road kill innards.

Which brings me to my question. Would you be willing to ever kiss a woman who had eaten the decaying remains of roadkill, sprinkled with live and dead maggots?

Step 1

So I finally took the LSATs. I think in many ways, this is among the more grueling tests you can take. It's not more grueling because it's necessarily harder, or longer (certainly not longer than the MCATs). It's more grueling because the stakes are so high. From what I can tell, no other test is weighed so heavily in admissions as the LSAT - and you really only have one good chance to take it. Why? Law schools typically average your scores. So that means if you get a 160 on your first try, and a 170 on your second (which is pretty damn good - 99th percentile), most schools will look at you like you got a 165. There is a lot of pressure to not screw up the first time.

I think the part that is most anxiety-causing is the hour and half prior to the test. The official reporting time is 8:30am, and of course, everyone gets there like 8:00am or earlier. The process of filing in and taking seats takes 30+ minutes, and when it's all said and done, we didn't start the test until after 9:00am. That's 1.5 hours of just sitting around with nothing to do but be nervous (you're not allowed cell phones, music players, etc).

Something that is also very interesting about sitting in that room - if I end up going to law school, there is a good chance that these people sitting in this room will be my peers.

I'm pretty exhausted right now. I'm so exhausted that I'm not tired.